|Dress: ASOS ~ Plaid Top: Vintage ~ Sunglasses: Sunglass Warehouse ~ Bucket Hat: Vans ~ Shoes: AirWalk|
I'm sitting under a mini cover fort on my bed listening to The Indoor Kids podcast. I've listened to like 30 episodes in a row and I'm still going. I feel like these guys just get me. They're outsiders like me....and I'm not trying to sell a sob story here but I've had this blog for a while and since it's my blog I'm gonna go ahead and let it all out lol
Growing up I've always felt like an outsider. It usually worked like this. Being a sentient being I was aware and capable of outwardly looking cool. I'd bug my mom to buy certain clothes and the coolest things for Back to School to wear. I would watch MTV to learn how to act. For the most part it worked, kids at first glance thought I was cool.
I'll give you an example. During middle school my family moved to a new area in Miami and I had to transfer schools. The first day of class (I literally started in the middle of the school year) this tall pretty blonde girl named Andrea who was miss popular girl walked up to me in class and introduced herself. She invited me to the cool kids table for lunch. I sorta kept quiet and let her go on and on about the other kids in the school and who does what, yadda yadda. At lunch the kids started asking me questions about myself and they soon realized I was very not cool after all. Maybe talking to them about Wicca and magick with a "k" and why I loved Sailor Moon so much wasn't a good idea? It wasn't long before I shunned to the outer reaches of the table fetching silverware for the hot girls.
In high school I spent lunch with my best friend (when I wasn't skipping Drama Club + Glee Club meetings) memorizing Harry Potter chapters because we wanted to record ourselves and send an audition tape to see if we could be in the HP movies.....and we both auditioned for Harry?? We would practice in front of one of the sweetest teachers who let us hang out with her during lunch.
I dunno if I've ever shared this with you guys but I also spent hours writing a Hogwarts acceptance letter to myself in green ink with McGonagall's handwriting on parchment paper. I made sure it was perfect then mailed the letter to myself at the post office so I could actually get it....AND I NEVER GOT IT! I think someone at the post office probably took it home to their kids, or just had a good laugh at my letter.
Now for the sad part. For a long time I felt really bad about myself. I chose to shut myself out from other people and the few friends I did have were like family to me. I felt like I didn't need anyone else as long as I had them, but it's never healthy to rely too heavily on a few people. I sort of always just had this chip on my shoulder and was always moody. I never wanted to engage in anything but my writing but at the same time I had a rich inner dialogue where I played out how I wished things would happen. I'd pretend to have conversations with people and think about what that guy might say if I did this, or how that girl would react if I said that.
I'm still really introverted and there's no grand life lesson at the end of this seemingly endless soliloquy. I guess I've just learned to accept who I am. I've actually learned to love myself. It took some time but once I knew who I wasn't it freed me to discover who I could be I guess. I got into art, photography, nature, graphic design, videography, sound design, video game copywriting and my interests are still growing. I'm excited to see who I become and am glad I have this blog to express myself no matter what I'm feeling.